The Day

So it’s Inauguration Day, the end of era, the end of an error. New blood will pump. All 55% of us wanted it, and we got it.

For all on the Right, do me a favor, and shut the fuck up this afternoon. Fox News shouldn’t broadcast today (if they had any honor). They’ve been fighting against this moment for about a half-century. And there’s not a reason in the world they should bask in its glow today.

For the Left, let’s not be unconsciously condescending today, if possible. Don’t ask the first black person you see how they’re feeling. Don’t act like you’ve just given them permission to the Country Club. You still haven’t. Just act like we’re getting a new president. That’s all it is. For you.

And for God sake black people, don’t marginalize him. Those in the nasty positions of power are going to look for any leak in the Obama train. They’d love nothing more than to make Obama into a Leftist/Socialist/Minority/ puppet, instead of the leader and thinker that (he could be) and is. Don’t Al Sharpton the man. Al knows what I’m talking about.

And while I’m at it, black people, stop hating gays.

Anyway, it should be good theatre today. I still wake up with nightmares of Dick Cheney declaring Presdential Powers on this day, while he fills Bam with lightning and cackles terribly. The Child President would be already back in Texas, of course, and McCain would be waiting in the wings. Those dummies in the press corp. would be whispering to each other, “Why does Dick have a black robe on?”

Then, before they knew it, Dick would be saying, “Un-limited, power!!!!!.” And Bam would be withering on the National Stage, and the Hyenas would be cackling. And McCain would be standing there, watching the Dark Forces of Cheney destroy every piece of Democracy he’d ever fought for (destroy his son!), and he’d turn. McCain would suddenly stand and lift the Evil Cheney above his arms, lightning bolts would be flying from his fingers, the Hyenas would be silent. And he’d toss him down one of Washington’s many laundry ducts. A great, furious, bolt of power and awe would resonate out of that duct, as Cheney’s Dark Powers finally evaporated into the sky. McCain would collapse.

And Barack Obama, the new leader of Force, would cradle McCain in his arms. He’d tell him he could save him, there was still time, we can form a coalition! McCain’s breath would be labored, wheezy, he’d pull Obama close to him and look deep into his eyes. Barack would still be saying, “I can save you!” And McCain would pull him close and say, “You already have, you al-ready have.”

Then Obama would go back to the Ewok colony and celebrate as we all would. He’d sigh and think to himself, “Now I know how Woodrow Wilson felt.”

The Industry....By. BC

If I were alive
If I were real
Would you survive
What would you feel
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
As sentimental
As our broken dreams
Let me die
For rock n' roll
Let me die
To save my soul
Let me die
Let me die
Rock n' roll
Let the world forgive the past
Let all the girls kiss the boys at last
Let me go
Let me go
Rock n' roll
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
Heavy metal
A heavy metal machine
We're the metal
In their metal machines
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
If I were dead
Would my records sell
Could you even tel
Is it just as well
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
It's elemental
To all the rust it brings
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
Let me die for rock n' roll
Let me die and save my soul
Let me go
Let me go
Rock n' roll
Let the world forgive the past
Let all the girls kiss the boys at last
Let me go
Let me go
Rock n' roll
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
Heavy metal
A heavy metal machine
We're the metal
In their droning schemes
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine
Will I survive
Is it up to me
Could you understand
That it's not yours to keep
Heavy metal
Heavy metal machine

Wow, I Figured Out Pictures

Two things have been on my mind the past few days as the Isreali/Palestine Round 3412 has wandered away from the top pages. One is the concept of food tubes. I mean we have pipes that bring us water, why don’t we have pipes that refill the food in our kitchens? How hard could it be? They pull it off on the USS Enterprise. All we’d need is a tube system that would be, say, about as wide as a 10-pound turkey (which I think would be the maximum size and weight limit) and a high-powered gravity function like they have at the banks. Put that all underground, put them through houses and attach them to refrigerators and, perhaps, cupboards, and boo-yeah: Food Tubes. No more struggling through the aisles of Publix for John C. Lunchpail.

Although, I think it may work best at first to just attach them to refrigerators and freezers. The robotic sorting and placing of dry goods in your pantry may be a few years off. Also, we’d need distribution centers every 20 kilometers or so. This may screw some of the marketplace, but hey, move out of the sticks if you want such complex food delivery.

Now, I’m sure plenty of people have had this idea before, but I say it’s high time we got moving on it. Imagine if you could just type into your laptop a list of tasty goods and have then have them shot into your house 15-minutes later. That would be some technology.

The other thing is Odette Yostman’s ass. I mean, Good God. Jessica Alba stepped down as the Queen of Desktops about 18-months ago and there’s been a vacuum ever since. Yostman, has filled it and then some. So much so that her new movie poster (first movie? I don’t know, I don’t care) is just a full length shot of her from behind. I have no idea what this stupid picture is about.

Probably going to have to go see it though. Awesome viral marketing. So that’s what I think about all day: foreign conflicts, food-tubes (perhaps if I lead the charge for their installation they could one day be called Paul-Tubes), and Odette Yostman’s ass.

Blood with No Cause

Somehow, over the course of many centuries, the Israeli's and the Palestine's manage to stay retarded. I wish a President would just come out and say that. You're both fighting over a meaningless piece of land that has as much power as the DVD player that plays my copy of Pineapple Express. It's a piece of matter. It's not holy. You're both fighting over concepts. Sit with reality for a second and pull your collective heads out of your collective ass's.

Overall though, I'm on Israeli's side (I think) in this macabre battle of self-righteousness. The Israeli's seemed fairly content with letting Palestine have the Gaza Strip. A strange concession considering that this piece of land was basically what this whole thing was all about anyway. But still, I think Israel was willing to stop fucking with Palestine if they just Let It Be.

The Child President promoted democracy in the Middle East. Palestine had an election. They democratically elected a group that considered Israel a pest (at best) and vowed to conquer Israeli land in bloody fashion. Child President was upset. These are the flummoxes of Democracy. Especially in a small populace. Now he calls Hamas (Democratically elected mind you) a "terrorist group". Of course, he calls everything from PETA to Hillary Clinton's Chocolate Chip Cookies a terrorist group. Although this time he happens to be right. Hamas is a nasty, stupid, religiously founded terrorist group. The problem: Hamas is democratically elected!

This kind of stuff must really upset the Child President during his games of Monopoly.

Still, Israel decided they'd let Hamas run themselves into the ground as long as they discontinued their asinine, yet dangerous, random bombing attacks of Southeast Israel. And for the past 18-months, Hamas bizarrely acquiesced. Then came the random 75-80 missile attack day of a few weeks past. And like the Russians, if you poke the Israeli bear a few to many times, you’ll get the claws. That’s what Israel has been doing for the past couple of weeks: landing heavy body blows. All this Palestine craziness doesn’t even include the ammunition that they've been smuggling through tunnels from Egypt.

So here’s a memo for the Palestine people: If you don’t want your balls smashed in on a random basis, don’t elect a group of maniacs who are dying to destroy your heavily armed (American backed) neighbors. Welcome to Democracy. The Choices you make will either help you or hurt you.

And here’s a memo for Israel: Unless the Bill Cambelling becomes so bad that fatalities are constant, be cautious with these high civilian causality attacks. This is a war that has raged for millenniums, and the only way it’ll stop is if both sides manage to field very smart and rational people. Israel appears to be doing a fairly solid job in the arena, but Palestine clearly has not. However, bombing the shit out of random religious refugees isn’t exactly nudging the radical side of the Middle Eastern politics to the middle. It’s probably just doing the opposite. Ask Hezbollah. So unless you want to get real serious about this, and just take Hamas out period. Be cautious. Because fighting will never get this ridiculous thing settled, rationality will. And the world (the entire world) has been paying the price for this stupid battle for Millennia.

Time to move on. Time to join spaceship Earth. Both of you. I’m sure there were two primordial pre-humans that fought over whether it was a lemon tree or a maple that was the pure and true God, and they make as much sense as you do. So drop it. Try a little peace.

In the meantime American Left, stop defending Palestinians as innocent bystanders when they’re really willful cogs in an ongoing machine. And stop defending Israel (American Right) as simply protectors of their basic right to life, when in all reality they’re equally as willful players in this game of God and Land.