Deep Muck

All right, it’s 4:34 AM, I just emerged out of some swamp in North Carolina with a 12-pack of Yuengling and a handle of Orange Vodka. I’ve had six people tell me today that they didn’t plan on voting for Bam Obama, not because he was black, but because they didn’t trust him. Couldn’t possibly tell you what that means. Not at this hour.

But there are two things that are blowing my mind that I consider to be more important than this expected southern redneck development. Here’s the biggest one, and I think it’s great news.

And as a precursor, this is why I’ve never trusted a thing any environmentalist has ever said about anything. Even if I’d like to agree with them, and even if their intentions are the best. Basically, CNN reported tonight that scientist found 125,000 lowland gorillas in the Congo that they had no idea ever existed. 125,000!

These same scientists were under the impression that there were about 20,000 of these buggers in the entire world. And they just found over 100k in a remote valley they’d never really looked into before. It’s like looking for exotic animals in New York City and forgetting to check the Bronx Zoo. Which a.) proves that most environmental scientists smoke to much cane-grass to know their head from their ass, and b.) as the Batman says, sometimes your faith is rewarded.

I consider gorillas to be so close to us that it’s literally tragic that we’ve worked so hard to wipe them out. How much smarter is Vin Diesel than a Congolese lowland Gorilla? Not much. So they're like our retarded cousins, the ones we should be looking out for and giving small minded scripts to. Not shooting at, or mowing over. To find out there's 125,000 of them living in some Planet of the Apes Utopia is great news. The only downside is now that someone other than Congolese Bushwhackers know about these apes: odds are we’ll do something bad to them. It’s the way we work.

Still a positive source of energy.

And the other great ape news of the night comes from Brett Favre. My sources have been calling me all night to assure me that the saga will end at One Buc Place sometime Wednesday afternoon. Brett FavreGate 2008 has been a national saga (an awful, national saga), but the end seems near. And not only do I have tickets to watch Brett fling pigskin in the hot Florida sun for my Buccaneers, but now I don’t have to hear about this awful extravaganza anymore. Trust me alone, these insane sources are air-tight.

Oh, and people from North Carolina won’t vote for Obama because he’s black. Sorry Bam.

The Season Grows Near

So the Long Sunset has been quiet for a few weeks as I gear up for what will be a stupid and violent presidential campaign season. I don’t understand why the cable networks are already so fascinated with poll numbers: these guys haven’t even been nominated by their parties yet. But this is really going to get ugly and brutal. McCain’s already getting so dirty that he’s trying to get Midwesterners to believe that Bam Obama is actually a 25-year old with two overused vagina's named Paris Spears. It may be working.

But we’ve got miles to go, and at least a hundred more race cards to play. I’ve been resting. Watching from a distance. Tonight I depart on a quick tour up Interstate 95 towards North Carolina to get a feel for what these Southerners are thinking. As with any time I go out of my general zone, there will be plenty of drinking, plenty of stupidity, and lots of general mayhem. I’ve already been enlisted to captain a 29-foot pontoon boat for some bizarre drunken race on a deep North Carolinian lake. Hopefully, I’ll keep all my teeth.

After my conquest of the South, I’m off to visit the all important swing state of Costa Rica. Polls there have Astronaut Jose Maria Castro Madriz leading Tito Fuentes and a band of ghost conquistadors by only 2 ½ points. Bam Obama and McCain are currently tied at a distant third. But I’ll need to get a feel for the vibe there. McCain’s deep Central American ties could be obscured in such open polling.

More questions will be coming then answers. Random dispatches will be coming often by means of the MojoWire. Things are getting interesting, and reality loses hope around every corner.