Welcome Aboard FAYOR

I've been watching the news of all the flight delays in the United States and it gave me an idea. Recently I flew on Southwest to New York, and it wasn't so bad. But I felt that I was a patted down a little more than was necessary. Take your belt off, lift your shirt, take your shoes off, let the guards pat you down, let your bag get shuffled through like every possesion in there is worthless. You really take a beating when trying to get on that plane.

Leave me alone. Americans accept this abuse because it makes them feel safe on those silver cylinders that vault us through aerospace. But I've had it. Thus, I'm starting an airline (and currently accepting investors) called FAYOR. That'll be the logo on my wings. FAYOR stands for Fly At Your Own Risk. We don't pat you down at FAYOR, we just let you get to the gates whenever the fuck you want and toss you on. Our pilots? Probably drunk, but you have my word that they're the best Goddamn pilots in the sky.

And what time should you show up to FAYOR's gates? Five minutes before takeoff should do the trick. Our passengers get on the plane in a manner similar to that of The Lawyer at the end of Fear and Loathing. And sure, we'll make you go through a metal detector, but that's it. Once you get on that 1970's MD-80, or castoff 737, you're on your own. I think passengers will accept that and prepare for the flight accordingly.

But at least you won't be treated like Ashlee Simpson in the basement of Gary Busey's house at 4 in the morning. FAYOR is the Wild West of the skies, and you should pack your bags as such. We won't ask any questions. Our in-flight meal will be strip steak and straight warm whiskey, and our movie will be Fistful of Dollars. And we'll follow that with some real nasty Japanesse porn.

I'll say this though: That flight will arrive on time and your bag of cheap Russian made handguns will arrive in Puerto Rico untouched. That's the FAYOR motto. And if you try to hijack a FAYOR flight from Newark to Las Vegas, than all I can say is good luck...