Digging and Rocking

Fields of Grass--AP

London-To all naturally produced plant species on the planet earth there is a pure and easily seen common trend. All plants live in the wild, at some time, in some place. And yet, this unmistakable factor is rarely included upon discussion of the illegal street drug commonly called Marijuana. Scientists at the University of Dankenville are trying to challenge all this thought.

“We simply feel that the amount of knowledge in the realm of wild cannabis is not at an acceptable level. The fact is, marijuana used to thrive in the wild, and fields of its golden sparkle, or light orange smile, used to inhabit various plains and somewhat arid regions of many continents in the world,” said founding scientist Richard Budlington. He, and a crew of college interns who seemed disinterested and hungry in many visits to the study’s main dig, are working to uncover some of the ancient facts in the history of Cannabis.

In the beginning days of botany any thoughts on wild cannabis restricted it mainly to its now more popular use of today, agriculture. But recent studies show that a plant with a very similar chemical make-up to the Cannabis sativa strand, which is now commonly burned for medicinal purposes in today’s society, once grew commonly in the ancient sun-filed and light misting plains of Canada. The specias Cannabis crstylia is now thought to have supported an odd ecology in a time dating back 3 to 4 million years ago.

However, it is not fully understood why, or how, the specias finally died out. And the current thinking among prominent botanists is that that Cannabis crstylia is a direct, or indirect (they never seem to be able to decide), ancestor of the plant which grows today.

“It’s just fascinating, cool-cool stuff were doing here, man,” reported an intern of the work at a “dig-site” in the western province of Alberta, Jacob “Double D” Atkins. “I mean we are finding things out that are just blowing our minds. Some ancient history of Cannabis is just far more fascinating and unique that what the scientific community used to understand. There’s new species we’re finding here.”

Although scientists at the dig sight seemed to provide scanty evidence of “new species”, they are discovering quite a bit about how to set up a fully functional entertainment center in the middle of a deep Canadian forest. And they do seem to be genuinely committed to the study of smoking the ancient strands of Cannabis they are discovering.

“Compare and contrast man, compare and contrast,” Artkins explained.

But as Richard Budlington eloquently puts it, the main focus of the site is proving both rewarding and challenging.

“It’s tough, you know? I mean, we’re out here a solid 2-3 hours a day, sometimes a little less if we’re looking to sleep-in, and we’re just digging and rocking. Digging and rocking. Sometimes it’s kind of cold, and Jimmy’s like ‘hey, maybe we should just mellow out today’, but we tend to push on. And the discoveries we’re making are amazing,” he said while smoking a long oak wood pipe on a somehow imported piece of living room furniture. All told, the dig site is equipped with three couches.

“We just can’t believe the story we’re unraveling out here.”

And the story they are unraveling is finding a nerve with some in the budding scientific community of Botany. Retired professor of argriculture at the University of Minnesota, Dr. John Goodins finds many of their theories and discoveries simply mind-boggling.

“They keep claiming new discoveries in some ancient Cannibus field, but quite frankly, they have no evidence to back any of this up. I seem to get an e-mail every other day from Mr. Budlington, and he goes on and on about new animals that used to thrive in this plant’s fields, but when I ask for hard evidence he seems to decline to reply. I can’t help but conclude that any of the “discoveries” their making have to be taken with a big grain of salt.”

Dr. Goodins is just one of a large group of scientists who find the teams reportings of an ancient “marijuanafly” or a small purple rabbit who could sometimes fly and sometimes talk, simply perplexing. These scientist say the idea of ancient fields filled with some strange form of Cannibus are simply half-baked. Most of the scientists seem to agree that Mr. Budlington (or Doctor, as he likes to be called) has just spent a little too much time trying to get away from his wife and listening to Purple Rain backwards.

But the faithful team of scientists, which total 8 in all, refuse to let criticism’s by much of the scientific community halt their work. And they have been digging around the edge of an Alberta forest for 2 months now, but have seemed to get only 4 feet down.

“First of all, people like Goodins are just industry tools”, responded Sunshine Jefferies, the only female at the dig site. “I mean, Dr. Budlington doesn’t even have a wife and he’s been single most of his life. And the marijuanafly is real, we have the pictures to prove it.”

When this reporter asked Ms. Jefferies exactly what the “industry” was in the quiet field of botany and why an allegedly archeological team would be searching for pictures of their specimens, she seemed to become dazed. Eventually young Sunshine Jefferies merely wandered off towards a nearby stream.

“Sunny’s a super girl, you know,” intern Atkins said later. “A lot of people say that she likes to eat box, but I think that’s all kind of crap. She’s just shy that’s all, and the marijuanafly she was talking about certainly existed. How do you think these plants pollinated, man?”

When asked what Ms. Jefferies meant in saying that the team had captured on the new species on film, Jacob “Double D” Atkins seemed amused.

“She says a lot of things man, she says a lot of things,” he said with a smile.

Upon a thorough investigation of the dig-site, little could be found other than snack food and Jimmy Page CD’s. But their stories of peculiar ecosystems, with Marijuana plant’s as the plankton of this world, are fascinating. Take for example the idea, that has seemed to come about in the group, that in these ancient times of Cannibus a small dwarf like creature used to survive. The main thinking seems to be that some small type of humanoid used to live within the fields, and kept the plants large buds from destroying the plants themselves with their overall size. This dwarf like creature lived in a peaceful community in these fields, and lived as one with the environment. Although, like most of the teams findings, evidence seems to come up short. But one thing they do not lack is imagination.

“These little dudes just lived up in these field’s and never fought and lived real peacefully,” another intern, who would not give his name upon the fear that his parents would read this article, tried to explain.

Peaceful indeed.

Dr. PT Oliveri for the Associated Press
(soon to be a minor motion picture)